(via themattsmith)
(via lickystickypickyme:Picture: PA)
It’s close to 4pm and some youngster’s lurking in the semi-light.
Under the bus shelter, you see a sight that almost stops your heart
You try to holler but a cough takes the sound before you make it
You start to spittle as them kids look you right between the eyes
You’re elderly.
FUCK YOU GUYS I’M SANTA. I’LL TAKE UP TWO SEATS IF I GODDAMN WANT.
Dave turned to Allison just after taking his Cialis pill, “You know, this is great but we really should have gone the extra mile and just gotten that jacuzzi.”
Looking into the sunset Allison said, “I don’t think you take enough Cialis to make that cost efficient.”
Clara- Clara! You gotta listen to me. I’m trapped in this- oh god, there’s these ladies with these giant hats and- THEY FEED US CHUNKY WHITE LIQUID. What is that? No, no it’s not cream of- LOOK CLARA, IT’S TERRIBLE HERE. I don’t even think those ladies are human! They’re aliens, I know it. Aliens working for the feds and trying to kill me with chunky white liquid. The FBI is running this whole thing, Clara. I just know it. You gotta do something- No! Don’t call the police, they’re in on it! They had a doughnut thing the other day and- Yes! The police were here! And the doughnuts! Don’t get me started. They taste like- You don’t want to know, Clara. You gotta do something. No. No- I won’t play bingo with them! Jesus christ Clara, they’re making me play bingo. Jesus christ, Clara. You gotta do something. Tell the grandkids I said hi.
That mixed metaphor isn’t really working. Blood doesn’t cry. I don’t believe it would make any noise whatsoever in an aborted fetus (or even in a dead baby, for that matter). It would probably just sit there, in the ground. Hangin’ out. I suppose babies could cry from the ground, but it’d be pretty muffled. This lady must have excellent hearing. Or super powers! Awesome!
Also that shirt is pretty awesome. It’s like Lands End monogramming font except terrible.
(image via Jezebel)
gconnect:drawonthewalls
Instead of saying “cheese,” the photographer instead said “Did you know that morticians put tubes in the lips of corpses to make them smile?”
(via lookatthisfuckingteabagger)
WATCH OUT SENIOR CITIZENS!!!! OBAMA’S GONNA KILL Y’ALL. WITH HIS PUBLIC OPTION DEATH PANELS.
UNLESS YOU’RE A FURRNERR.
Shortly after being named the Treasurer of Ocean World Surf Club, Muriel and her vice-treasurer, Geraldine, invented a new shortboarding technique - cane surfing. Cane surfing enthusiasts enjoy the extra balance the cane provides. Variations on the sport include team cane surfing, in which the surfers (or caners, as they’re refered to in most regions) attempt to knock one another into the sea by smacking an opponent in the back of the knees. Scandal arose when Herbert Finkleman snuck a sword cane into competition and caused Stu Howell minor blood loss. Cane surfing competitions are much more structured to prevent such future catastrophes.
My camp counselors.
hahahaha, bingo night. (his expression: extreme pleasure or pain?)
